Grandfather Jokes / Recent Jokes

The wife of a friend of ours purchased a rather large grandfather clock at an auction and then sent her unhappy husband to pay for it and carry the damn thing home.

To make matters worse, the husband had been to a formal dinner earlier in the evening and was still wearing his full dress suit. He was having some difficulty with the unwieldy mechanism even before he met the drunk staggering in the opposite direction.

They collided and the husband fell backward to the sidewalk, the clock on top of him.

"Why in blazes don't you watch where you're going!" the angry husband demanded.

The drunk shook his head dazedly, looked at the man in the full dress suit and at the grandfather clock that lay across him.

"Why don't you wear a wrish watch like everybody elsh?" he inquired.

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you havefamily problems? Listen to my situation: A fewyears ago I met a young widow with a grown-updaughter and we got married. Lately, my fathermarried my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughtermy stepmother and my father became my stepson. Alsomy wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had ason. This boy was my half brother because he was myfather's son, but he was also the son of my wife'sdaughter which made him my wife's grandson. Thatmade me grandfather of my half-brother. This wasnothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law isalso the grandmother. This makes my father thebrother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is myfather's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is myfather's nephew and I am my own grandfather and youthink you have family more...

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

A twelve year old girl was taken to the barber shop for a haircut with her grandfather. As her grandfather was getting a haircut she was standing next to the barber's chair eating a Twinkie.
The barber said, "Say there lass, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."
The young girl looked up at the barber and said, "Yes, and I'm getting boobs too!"

A young man who was about to be married went to his grandfather for information about sex. He wanted to know how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time and possibly even do it several times a day.
He told the young man that later on, sex usually tapers off and you have it once or twice a week. As you get older, you might possibly have it once a month. Then, when you get really old, you're lucky if you have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.
"How about you and grandma now?" asked the young man.
"Oh, now we only have oral sex," replied the grandfather.
"Oral sex? What's that?" the young man asked.
"Well," the grandfather explained, "she goes to her bedroom and I go to mine. Then she yells 'Fuck You' and I holler back, 'Fuck You Too!'"

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "The only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"