Grandfather Jokes / Recent Jokes

A grandfather and his young grandson were playing a round of golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather said, "When I was your age, I would aim right over those trees and hit the green every time."
The grandson thought about the comment for a moment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed smack in the middle of the fifty-foot trees.
The grandson looked sadly at his grandfather, who said, "Then again, when I was your age, those trees were only seven feet tall."

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

Did God make you, Grandpa?
Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately.": )

You know you're Italian when
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5'9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50, 000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
. Your grandfather had a fig tree.
. You eat Sunday dinner at more...

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.
Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!"
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.
All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice more...

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!"Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?""Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered."Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. more...

Little Johnny, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Johnny whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."