Grandpa Jokes / Recent Jokes

Eighty-five year old Grandpa had just broken the news to his family - he was going to marry a twenty-five year old nymphomaniac.
Upon hearing his news, the family became quite concerned. Taking him aside, his daughter said, "Dad, we're very concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove to be fatal."
"So what!" exclaimed Grandpa. "If she dies, she dies!"

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
by Irish Rovers (1986?)
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.
Grandma go run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family's dressed in black.
And more...

One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don't we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?"
So they get to the motel and go into the room.
Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( it's been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.
Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. "My God woman" he says "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

Grandma took her grandson Junior to a seance. The medium was supposed to be quite an expert at communicating with the spirits of the recently departed. Soon the medium had everyone quietly, nervously, breathlessly awaiting contact with the spirit world - except Junior.
"I wanna talk to my grandpa!" he demanded.
The medium and Grandma tried to get him to be quiet, but he insisted. "I wanna talk to my grandpa!"
Finally, the medium snapped "All right, kid, look over there! There's your grandpa!" and with a wave of her hand, a ghostly-looking figure appeared.
"Hi, Gramps!" called Junior. "What are you doing here? You ain't dead."

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer & that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight & out golfing up and down the fairways.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning... and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, more...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,' Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.' The grandfather replies,' I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.' The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,' Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.' The grandfather replies,' I know. That's from your grandma.'

After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay about how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags, because they don't know who they are.They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to more...