Grapes Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.

Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.

Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.

Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.

Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.

Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A more...

A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk if she has any grapes.The clerk says no and the duck walks out of the store. Five minutes later the duck walks back in and asks the same question. The clerk says no again and the duck walks back out of the store. Five minutes later the duck comes in again and asks the same question. The clerk says, "No, I don't have any grapes and if you come in again and ask
the same question I'll nail your feet to the ground!" The duck walks out of the store. Five minutes later the duck walks into the store again and asks the clerk if she has any nails. The clerk says no and the duck says, "Okay then, do you have any grapes?"

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!"
"Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any damages that he makes."
Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
"That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that monkey out of here!"
"Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay you for the cue ball and leave."
The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?"
"Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue balls."
After more...

Q: What is a chord? A: Three violists playing in unison.Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One.Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola? A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola? A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: A semi-tone.Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.Q: more...

three brothers(bob billy and joe)were stranded in a desert they were more hungry than anything so they keep on walking. then they sudenly came past a fruit farm. the three brothers ran in different deractions to get their favorite kind. the farmer came out in time to see them, he got his gun and told them this "if you do what i say i will spare you your life! now go get 10 of your favorite kind of fruit!" they all did what he said. bob was the first to come back with 10 grapes the farmer said this "insert all 10 grapes up your behind with out flinching!" bob did what the farmer said but barly got the 1st one in with out flinching so the farmer shout him and bob went to the kingdom of god. billy was the next one to come and the farmer had him do the same thing. billy was on the last one when he laughed the famer thought he flinched so he was shout to. when bob and billy were reunited bob asked billy " how could you laugh at something like that" and billy more...

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell:' 'Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks,' 'Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no.' 'Good!'' says the duck.' 'Got any grapes?''

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, "You got any grapes?" Guy at the counter says, "No, we don't have any grapes." Duck says "okay." and he leaves. The next day the duck comes back in and says "You got any grapes?" The man once again replies, "No! We do not have any grapes." The duck says "Okay." and he leaves. The third day the duck walks in again and asks, "You got any grapes?" The man is very annoyed and says, "No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!"The duck replies "Okay," and leaves. The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, "You got any nails?" The man at the counter says "No." The duck says, "Well then, you got any grapes?"