Green Jokes / Recent Jokes
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the more...
A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.The owner replies, "Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling."Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.But tell me, what in the world happened to you?""Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fit him great.As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive more...
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we more...
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
One day there were 3 mexicans(they do speak good english)
crossing the boarder. The cops pull them over and asked for
their green card. The first mexican said," We dont have any
green cards but is there any way we can get out of it." The cops
said,"If u can give me a sentence using green, yellow, and pink
I'll let u guys go." So he asked the first 2 mexicans and they
were all confused. The third mexcans said with his mexican
accent, "Sure i do it' The fone went green, green I pink it up
and say yellow'"
Things are slow in Heaven one day, so Moses suggests to Jesus that they go down to Earth and play a round of golf; Jesus agrees.
On the first hole, there's a long fairway with a water hazard before the green. Standing at the championship tee, Moses points to the novice tees and says "Jesus, I think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."
Jesus replies, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."
Jesus puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves Jesus' ball, and brings it back.
"Jesus," Moses says, "I really think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."
Jesus insists, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, more...