Green Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you more...

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling' green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog more...

At a municipal golf course, a foursome approached the tee of the 430-yard, par-4 sixth hole. The long, straight fairway ran along a road that was fenced on the right. The green was slightly to the left of the straightaway with another road paralleling the green from which golfers often received the calls of hecklers. The first golfer teed off with a long ball slice in the direction of the road. The ball went over the fence, bounced 150 yards down the road, where it hit the tire of a moving city bus and was knocked back on to the golf course stopping just 10 yards short of the green. As they all stood in amazement, a fellow golfer asked, "How on earth did you do that?" The response came without hesitation, "You have to know the bus schedule."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep singing' The Green Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual..."

Teacher-All The Children Must Eat Spinach Because It Will Giv Colour 2 Ur Cheeks.

Student-Mam But Who Wants Green Cheeks?

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."