Green Jokes / Recent Jokes

a mexican is caught jumping the boarder so the guy says ill be easy on if you can make a sentence using these words you can go free green yellow pink so the mexican says green green green I pink up the phone and say yellow!!!

by Robert Chen
You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.
32. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts."
33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under "o" or "j."
34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid to speak while your mouth is full.
35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk.
36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?"
37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit more...

Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway with either indicator flashing, but going nowhere.
Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway even when the road is almost entirely empty.
Picking your nose and believing that no-one can see you.
Not realising that there is any other setting for your lights than high beam.
Indicating to move into a lane that you're already half way in.
falling asleep at the wheel, just in time for the lights to turn green.
Sounding your horn one nanosecond after the lights change to green if the car in front hasn't sped off.
Sending sprays of wiper wash right over the top of your car and washing the one behind.
Overtaking then pulling in front and slowing down.
Sharing whatever is on your car stereo with anyone within a mile radius.

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the
taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see
the driver drive straight through without even slowing down.
Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself
a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued
without event until the next intersection. This time the
light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver
brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain
his astonishment, he turns to the driver:
"Listen," he says, "when you went through the red light, I
didn't say anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you
stopping at a green light?!"
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was
deranged:
"Are you crazy?!" he shouts. "The other guy has a red
light-do you want to get us killed?!"

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,
"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe more...

When the window cleaner arrived at the Green's house, he was stopped in his tracks by a snarling, barking dog. "Don't be afraid of him," said Mrs. Green "You know the old proverb:' A barking dog never bites'." "Sure," said the window cleaner. "You know the old proverb. I know the old proverb. But does your dog know the old proverb?".