Green Jokes / Recent Jokes
On the topic of slugs: (this is a true story)
About 2 years ago, there was a big flap when a 6 year old boy and his
3 year old sister disappeared from their home. The police searched,
the parents freaked, and the media-types looked solemn as they announced
that there was still no trace of the children. The kids showed up a few
days later. It seems that they had run away from home due to some dispute
over second helpings of Ovaltine or some such. The funny part was when
the media-type was interviewing the boy.
Interviewer: "Weren't you cold at night?"
Boy: "Naw. We just slept under a porch."
Interviewer: "Didn't you get hungry? What did you eat?"
Boy: "Slugs."
Interviewer: (Turning a delightful shade of green but still game.)
"How did you eat them?"
Boy: "We boiled them in some aluminum foil we stole. They
taste kind of like chicken..."
Interviewer: (Going a more...
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. “Please dear, I need help. ” she said. The husband ran off saying “I’ll go get some help. ” A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I may be dying and you’re putting? ” “Don’t worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you. ” “The second hole??? When in the world is he coming??? ” “I told you not to worry, ” he said, practice stroking his putt…. ”Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through. ”
Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn.
She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.
He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.
Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.
"No way," he replied. "I can't do more...
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling' green side up'?""I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a party. After an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband' The Exorcist.'" With a wOver breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!". great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?" She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I cant find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?""Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"