Green Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a snail who went to a car dealership one day. The dealer came out and asked "How can I help you?"

"Well," says the snail, "I want a car, but not just any car. I want it to be the fastest car you have."

"Okay," the dealer replied, "Anything else?"

"Yes," the snail said. "Could you paint it green with bright yellow S's on it?"

"Um, okay. It will be ready by next week. Come get it then."

"Great," said the snail and he left.

The following week, the snail returned and was overjoyed to see his bright green new car with yellow S's on it. The dealer looked at him and said "Just one question. Why did you want our fastest car painted bright green car with S's on it?"

The snail replied, "So that when people are walking down the street, they will turn and look and say' Look at that S car go!!!'"

There were three golfers.
One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.
The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.
As you may have guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.
The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water.
However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.
As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away.
Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle.
Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.
Then more...

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks."It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles haveappeared on the inside of my thighs."The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have.""That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour."In this room, I was thinking of an offblue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, more...

Tiger Woods went on holiday to Mississippi, while he was on vacation he decided to go for a game of golf to get a little practice in.
As he arrived at the course he is stopped by the green keeper.
"Sorry" says the green keeper, "we don't allow coloured people on this course" he says." In fact if you want a game theres a course just a 4 iron away for your sort" he says. " Don't you know i'm tiger Woods?" says Tiger. " Oh i'm very sorry then sir, I didn't recognise you, in that case it's only a six iron for you then"

What is green, has four legs and smells like woman? The white house's pool table

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.
The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.
"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. more...