Guard Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of more...
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that saidSocialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly longline, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So theexecutive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?""They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," theguard replied."And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?""The same exact thing," the guard answered."Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?""Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
After three of their neighbors' home had been robbed, a young couple decided to get a guard dog.
The young wife went to the pet store and told the clerk she wanted a good guard dog. "I'm sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk said. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. He does know karate though."
The wife didn't believe him, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair!" The dog went to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then, he said to the dog, "Karate that table!" The dog went to the table and broke it in half.
Impressed, the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a large guard dog. The husband took one look at the dog and was immediately very skeptical about its abilities as a guard dog. The wife then told her husband that the dog knew karate.
"Karate my ass!" replied the husband.
To this day, he remains in hospital.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!!..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!... Aim!!..."
...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
In the days of the Berlin Wall, there was a little old man who crossed the checkpoint every week, pushing his bicycle and carrying a heavy sack. The border guard, suspecting him of smuggling, always searched the sack thoroughly but never found anything worthwhile. One day, after the wall came down, the guard ran into the little old man.
"Look, I just know you were smuggling something all those years but I could never prove it," said the guard. "Tell me what it was."
The little old man chuckled, "Bicycles."
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"