Guess Jokes / Recent Jokes

I guess one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think they know everything. If they only knew how much they bug those of us who really do.
Seriously though, even the best of us have some imperfections. For example, God only granted me average looks; to compensate, He gave me near perfection in brains, talent, wit and charm.
There! See how irritating that can be? Trust me on this one, the thing that increases in size the most on any man when you stroke it is his ego.
Males don't corner the market on ego either. I know a Yuppette whose idea of being unfaithful is turning away from the mirror.
What exactly is an egotist? Easy - it's a person who thinks they're everything you already are.
Senior Managers at the Maryland State Highway had some of the biggest egos I've ever seen. Once during a road opening, a bad thunderstorm started to roll in. At the first loud boom of thunder, five of them stood up and bowed.
The Government is the loser on ego-maniacs though. more...

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters more...

There is no such thing as child-proofing your houseIf you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can igniteA 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurantIf you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strongenough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and asuperman capeIt is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a20 by 20 foot roomBaseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up afew times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hitby a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's alreadytoo late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36year old man says more...

Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said the herder. v "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.
"Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out more...

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
>going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring
over
>3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>The mother agrees.
>
>The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
>sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
>"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
>
>"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
>
>"I don't like her."

Bentley’s second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist! Berta’s Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. “The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist. ” Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. "You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?" The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. Your a blonde! Now give me back my dog.