Guilty Jokes / Recent Jokes

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout more...

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
''Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,'' the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. 'Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,' he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.'
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.
A very few minutes later, more...

Natalie, a pretty but distraught model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterwards I feel guilty and depressed all day long."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power."
"Heavens, no!" exclaimed the model. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1. Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2. Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
Overcharging fees to many clients.
3. Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile....
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says," Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

I did not kill my pretty wife
I did not slash her with a knife
I did not bonk her on the head
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night
I took a cab, then took a flight
The bag I had was just for me
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!
When I came home I had a gash
My hand was cut from broken glass
I cut my hand on broken glass
A broken glass did cause that gash.
My friend, he took me for a ride
All through LA, from side to side
From north to south, we took a ride
But from the cops we could not hide.
My trial it lasted for a year
A year! A year! Just sitting here
The DNA, the HEM- the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!
If found guilty, I will appeal
Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal!
I'll wheedle and whine- I'll cut a deal!
To hear "not guilty" so glad I'll feel!
Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful more...

"Convicted felon Martha Stewart met with her probation officer yesterday. She even had to give a urine sample, in which she tested positive for nutmeg." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster -- mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can." -Jay Leno
"Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron." -Conan O'Brien
"Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress." -Craig Kilborn
"Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year." -Jay Leno
"Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. more...

Sheri, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO! !!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."