Guilty Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?""Guilty", said the man in the dock.At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?"Guilty", said the man in the dock.Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"He replied "He is my next door more...

Judge: young man, it says here you shot and killed a Califorina Condor. How do you plead? Defendant: Guilty your honor. Judge: GUILTY!? Don't you know how endangered these condors are? There are hardly any left at all. Defendant: Yes sir, I know, but I had to feed my family, we're so poor. Judge: That's no excuse. I fine you 30 days in jail. By the way, what does California Condor taste like? Defendant: It's real good, kinda like a cross between Bald Eagle and Whooping Crane!

"Guilty or not guilty of begging?` asked the magistrate.
"Nearly guilty," said the beggar.
"What do you mean, ˜nearly` guilty? Asked the puzzled magistrate.
"Well, your honor, I asked the lady for twenty-five cents but I didn`t get it."

A defendant was on trial for murder in a case where there was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
Knowing that his client would probably be convicted, the lawyer resorted to a trick during his closing statement.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for all of you," he said, looking at his watch. "In approximately one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He then looked towards the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned, looked on eagerly. A minute passed and nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I made up the previous statement. However, you all looked on with anticipation. Therefore, I say to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, now clearly confused, retired to deliberate. Within a few minutes, they returned and pronounced a more...

Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table.
On his way home he started to feel guilty. "It was just one donut," he told himself "just one dollar, thats all."
"But it was a dollar that the church should have." Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive.
When he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and simply ran up to bed.
It took him another hour to fall asleep. His mind was spinning.
The next day he woke up still feeling guilty. He wouldn't touch his wife's corn muffins, he didn't sneak pie when his wife wasnt looking, even the donuts in conference more...

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake
while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience
doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew
he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the
performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said
"Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class
conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra
too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage,
only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized
bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of
conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night
with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said more...