Gun Jokes / Recent Jokes

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U. S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"

Three Boys Were Bragging How Great Their Fathers Were.
The First One Says: "Well, My Father Runs The Fastest. He Can Fire An Arrow, And Start To Run, I Tell You, He Gets There Before The Arrow".
The Second One Says: "Ha! You Think That's Fast! My Father Is A Hunter. He Can Shoot His Gun And Be There Before The Bullet".
The Third One Listens To The Other Two And Shakes His Head. He Then Says: "You Two Know Nothing About Fast. My Father Is A Civil Servant. He Stops Working At 4: 30 And Is Home By 3: 45!!"

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad more...

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....

The next day Billy tells his story.... "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.

Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....

Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking.

Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.

Evidence for the theory of a missing link.

Failed the Turing test.

Fell out of the family tree.

Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.

Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.

Finds a flat by swapping tires.

Finds canonical humor collections amusing.

Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.

Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.

Fired her retro-rockets a little late.

Flaky.

Flat out like a lizard drinking.

Flying/landing on one engine.

Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen? ” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ” the blonde replied.
“What? ” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off? ”
“No silly! ” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6, 000. 00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest. ”
“So then? ” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000. 00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth. ”
“So then? ”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”