Guy Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks -? and how much money do you make a week?? Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,? I make $200.00 a week. Why?? The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams -? here?s a week?s pay, now GET OUT and don?t come back!? Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks -? does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?? With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters -? That was the Pizza delivery guy?.

There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went. Guy 1: Yah.. I'm originally from Dublin, IrelandGuy 2: REally?! Me too! Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool. Guy 2: I did too! What year did you graduate? Guy 1: 1988! guy 2: Same here! A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew eachother. The bar tender replied, " Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again."

TO ALL YOU GIRLS OUT THERE:

Q: How do you show a guy you don't want to have sex when they
ask??? How do you also show a guy and tella guy to put his dick
back in his pants?

A: Simple really........ If he's being a Fat-Ass jerk, won't listen and
won't put his dick back in his pantz, then punch his bigg -ass ballz(if he got
any) back into his skin and he won't have any ballz to enjoy and wack off with.
iF GUYS ARE BY THEMSELF AND ARE LONELY, THEN THEY USUALLY WACK OFF WHENEVER THEY
HAVE THE CHANCE.

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500, 000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a Moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, " What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?".
The young man replies, " A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
" That's a lot of money," says the old man. " Why does it cost so much?"
" Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, " Mind if I take a look inside?"
" No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped! more...

Heavenly Father up above;
Bless this guy I truly love.
Bless his hair that sometimes curls;
Keep him away from other girls.

Bless his hands that sometimes roam;
Let them roam on me alone.
Bless his legs that run so fast;
Bless his little sexy ass.

Bless the places where we laid;
Bless the gap which he has made.
Bless the places where we fucked;
Bless my breast on which he sucked.

Bless the places that were dark;
Bless my neck on which he marked.
Bless the thickness of his sperm;
Protect it from numeral germs.

Bless his body I love to quench;
Bless his tongue I love to french.
Bless my voice for when I squeal;
Bless his penis I love to feel.

Bless his ass I love to squeeze;
Bless his balls I love to please.
And if he reads this prayer of mine;
I hope it blows his f*cking mind.

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?" asked his friend. The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."