Half Jokes / Recent Jokes
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There''s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season''s more than half over," he said.
1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a
women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already
there.
4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same
time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.
5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both
last about 60 seconds.
6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a
bikini.
7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No more...
1. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.2. My stigmata's acting up.3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?4. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.5. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.6. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.7. I just found out that I was more...
A young man was observing an elderly couple in a fast food restaurant who had just ordered one meal. As he watched them, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half and then counted out the french fries until each of them had half.
While the old man began to eat, his wife just sat there watching him.
Feeling a little sorry for them, the young man approached the couple and asked if he could buy them another meal so they wouldn't have to split theirs.
"Oh heavens, no," replied the old man. "It's very kind of you to offer, but we've been married for 50 years and everything has always been, and will continue to be, shared 50/50."
The young man then asked the woman, "Are you not going to eat?"
"No, not just yet," she replied. "Right now it's his turn to use our dentures."
Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...
Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9. 69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...
Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.
Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.
There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
' Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss more...
Is the glass half empty?Is the glass half full?In my world,the glass is half watered down.