Halloween Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "Ill have a glass of blood," the first replied. "Ill have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "Ill have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "Thatll be two bloods and a blood light?"

One Halloween two black children, a brother and a sister, were trick-or-treating as Hansel and Gretel. They came to the first house and knocked on the door. The old lady that answered said, "Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Hansel and Gretel weren't black!"
They went home and told their mother. She pulled out their Romeo and Juliet costumes from last year and quickly got them re-dressed. They went back to the old lady's house where she came to the door and again she said, "Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Romeo and Juliet weren't black!"
Again they went home and told their mother. This time, their mother said "I'll fix that mean old lady. Give me your clothes."
The boy and his sister took off their costumes and their mother sent them back to the old lady's house without a stitch of clothing to wear. They knocked on the door and the old lady answered. "CHILDREN!!" she said. "You're both naked! Now more...

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals" - Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!" - Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. - Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end. - Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars. - Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?" - Yo Mama's so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday. - Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot. - Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone. - Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!" - Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border. - more...

One Halloween, a boy dressed up as a cowboy. He went to a house, and an elderly lady opened the door. She said, "What might you be?" and the kid in front of the boy said, "I'm an Indian! All day, I hunt buffalo and make teepees and wigwams!" and the lady gave him some candy. Then the boy was up in line. The elderly lady said, "What might you be?" and he replied, "I'm a cowboy! All day, I round up cattle and take them to corrals!" The lady gave him some candy.
So he went to the next house, and a scorching hot teenage girl opened the door. She said, "What might you be?" and the girl in front of the boy said, "I'm a lesbian. All day I think of women, all afternoon I think of women, and all night I think of women." The teenage girl gave her some candy, and next the boy was up. The teenage girl said, "What might you be?" The boy looked her up and down, and said, "Well, I thought I was a cowboy!"

What do stupid kids do at Halloween? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The more...

A Halloween joke
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?
The cat are her!

A ghost joke
How do ghosts keep fit?
By regular exorcise!

A cannibal joke
What did the cannibal make of her new friend?
A hotpot!

A ghost joke
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!

A cannibal joke
Why did the cannibal have a hangover?
He went to a party and got stewed!

A ghost joke
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!

A vampire joke
Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into!