Hammer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Schwartz walks into a theatrical agent's office, and he's carrying a little black bag.
The agent says, "Well, let's see your act."
Schwartz reaches into the black bag and takes out a hammer and a few walnuts. He puts the walnuts on his head and smashes them with the hammer.
He says to the agent, "Well, what do you think?"
The agent says, "That's your act?"
Schwartz says, "Yep."
The agent asks, "What else have you got in the black bag?"
Schwartz replies, "Aspirin."

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den."What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked."That is the talking clock", the man replied."How's it work?" the friend asked."Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a hammer? ”
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, “Do you have a chisel? ”
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, “What are you doing to my wife? ”
“Not a thing, ” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get my instrument bag open. ”

During the game, the batsman noticed that the splice was coming out of his bat. In his small village, he was at a loss where to take it to be repaired. Finally, he decided that the blacksmith might do the job and went along to ask.

'Splice coming loose, eh?' said the blacksmith.' I get a lot of you chaps in here. I'll have it fixed in a minute.'

He put the bat on the anvil, took an enormous hammer and gave it a mighty smash. The bat was as good as new.

'Marvellous!' enthused the batsman.' How much do I owe you?'

'Let's say a fiver, eh?'

'A fiver? All you did was hit it with a hammer.

'I'll make you out a bill,' said the blacksmith.

He scribbled on a piece of paper and handed it over. The batsman read: To hitting bat with hammer 10 pence. For knowing were to hit 4. 90 pounds.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

Automobile Tool Definitions
Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Vise-Grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can more...