Hammer Jokes / Recent Jokes
A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down.
They tried everything but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant.
He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt back to life.
Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1,000.
Immediately he called the consultant and exclaimed, "One thousand
dollars for fixing that computer?! You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!"
The next day the new bill arrived. It read,
Tapping computer with hammer: $1
Knowing where to tap: $999
One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.
The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone
how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for a while I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just more...
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the First room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a Sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that more...
Three men are standing at the gates to Heaven and the saint there says "I'm sorry guys but heaven's pretty full right now so unless your death was gruesome or unusual then you have to go down to Hell."
The first guy says "All right then. Well I suspected my wife of having an affair so one day I came home from work early and heard her moaning inside. I tried to break down the door I was so angry, but after a while I decided to use my keys. When I got in I searched the house for him but couldn't find him until I went out to the verandah for fresh air. Then I saw him clinging to the bottom railing.
"I was furious! I grabbed a hammer and started banging his fingers. He fell of into a bush so I threw the fridge on him.
"I had a weak heart and I died from the stress"
"Okay then you can go in."
The next guy says "Well I like to do push ups on my verandah every day but today it collapsed due to faulty building and I was more...
This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before
beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty
pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your
Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list,
you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a
locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of
diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this
machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The
reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best,
fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't
want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down more...
This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list, you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the more...
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."