Haven Jokes / Recent Jokes

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was "on point" now.The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other more...

Dear God:
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed today because they pissed me off.
And also, please help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. So far today, God, I have done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.
I am very thankful for that but in a few minutes, I am going to get out of bed. And from then on, I am going to need a lot more help.
Amen.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...
But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

Dear Heavenly Father, I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

One day a little boy came over to his friends house and said, "Ah shit! I got gunk on my shoe!" As he was saying it, the friend's dad came over to the little boy and said, "How dare you say that in front of my child!" The dad sent the little boy home and called his father, telling him to come over to his house and talk to him.
The father came over and said, "So what if my boy said that? it's not like your kids haven't overheard you say a curse word!"
"Actually they haven't!" claimed the disgruntled father.
As they argue, the disgruntled father's baby in the backround blurts out, "Fuck you!"

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place? "
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman more...

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror.' 'Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend,' 'Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!'' They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks.' 'Have you been drinking?'' he asks them.' 'Oh no Sir,'' replies the driver.' 'I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?'' the cop asks.' 'Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers.' 'We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.''' 'Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop,' 'What on earth are those things on your forehead?''' 'That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk.' 'You more...