Uncle Jokes

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand."My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He more...

My uncle Pepe immigrated from Cuba to the US as an adult, and thus had a very hard time dealing with English. The hardest part was learning how to curse properly.
He worked in construction, and one day one of his worker buddies says "man, Pepe, it's hot as a motherfucker."
My uncle Pepe tried hard to process that, and the next day, trying to fit in, turns to his buddy and goes "man, today, it is hot like I fucked your mother, no?"

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Little Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."
"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Little Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.
One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill.
He told the uncle to ask him an addition question.
So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"
The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."
So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"
The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents'
house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a
non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.
I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges
and pear trees.

So, I was wrong.

Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the
invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I
told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun
on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I had only known by mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be
bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really
looking forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's.
What more...