Nephew Jokes

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer."There," he said. "Maybe he'll cool off in there."For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, "If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary."Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke."If you don't mind, may I ask what more...

The school my brother's kids go to has the thought police. The kids can't even use euphemisms because if you say "shoot" you're thinking "shit." Of course this is also the emotional police, because now you're really not allowed to have exclamations at all.

Story goes that my then eight year old nephew was playing with some blocks or something and they fell over. He says, "Darn!"

Teacher says, "Don't say' darn'."

Nephew asks, "Can I say' shoot'?"

"No."

"Can I say' heck'?"

"No, you know you can't."

My nephew then paused for a moment and said, "Well, god damn it, what the hell can I say?"

My brother apparently had a really hard time keeping a straight face in the principal's office when he had to come collect the boy...

A greenhorn, not familiar with the manners of city folk, happened to be spending his holidays with his uncle in Lucknow. During his stay, there was a death in the neighbouring house. The uncle decided to take his nephew along to the bereaved family to offer his condolences. In proper Lucknawi style, the uncle began to extol the virtues of the dead man:' He was a great soul. He was not only your chachaji but the chachaji of our entire mohalla. May his soul rest in peace! We will miss him as long as we live,' And so on. Our greenhorn maintained a stiff-lipped silence.
Back home, the uncle reprimanded his nephew.' Don't they teach you manners at home? You should also have said something about the dead man being like your own real chachaji.'
The lad apologized saying he had never been to a condolence meeting before but would bear the advice in mind.
A few weeks later, a friend of the greenhorn lost his wife and he decided to offer his condolences in the formula prescribed.' more...

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand." "Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled. "Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice." "By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby." Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother." And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?" Stan said nothing. The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!""Well congratulations, you're holding him!"