Cousin Jokes

Customer: "Is this tea I'm drinking? It tastes like kerosene!"
Waitress: "It must be hon, our coffee tastes like turpentine."
A contributor on here sent me chapter one of a joke book she's planning to publish, and asked me what she should get for it.
I wrote back, "At least 6 months."
The boy had been sitting in the restaurant for 20 minutes while his date continued to stare at the menu. "Jody, do you always have such difficulty in making up your mind?"
"Well... yes and no." she replied.
"I'm telling ya Marge, there's nothing like a five mile jog, then, an ice cold shower to start your day off in the morning."
Marge looked at her obviously overweight friend and replied, "How long have you been doing this?"
"I start tomorrow!" she answered.
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if more...

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east.He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were "one with the land".The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, "You see that Indian?""Yeah," says the city-slicker."Look," says the cowboy, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!"Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.""Incredible!" says the cousin to the cowboy."This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!"The Indian looks up and says..."Ran over me about a half hour ago."

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by. "What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon. "Fishin'," said MacAndrews. "Caught anything?" "Ach, nae a bite," "What are ye usin' fer bait?" "Worms" "Let me see it," said O'Bannon. MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out. "Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon. "No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"

Two French brothers were in England, visiting long-lost relatives, their English cousins. Having high tea with Lady Windham, Pierre was making chit-chat: "Tell us about your children, dear cousin."
"Oh," said the Englishwoman, "alas, I have no children."
"I see," piped in Jean-Claude, "you are FRUITLESS."
Seeing the expression on Lady Windham's face, Pierre said, "I think that the proper term is UNBEARABLE."
"Non, non," corrected Jean-Claude, "I've got it now: she's IMPREGNABLE."
The lady winced, and Pierre said, "Perhaps the word we're looking for is INSURMOUNTABLE"
"Voila! I have it," exclaimed Jean-Claude, our dear cousin in INSCRUTABLE!"

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones... The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia. ....... U. GoghThe brother who bleached all his clothes white. . Hue GoghThe sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars. .. Go GoghThe real obnoxious brother. ......... Please GoghThe brother who ate prunes. ........... Gotta GoghThe uncle who worked at a convenience store. ...... Stop N GoghHis dizzy aunt. ............ Verti GoghThe cousin that moved to Illinois. ........ Chicah GoghHis magician uncle. ............. Wherediddy GoghThe cousin who lived in Mexico. ......... Amee GoghAnother cousin who lived in Mexico. ........ Green GoghNephew that drove a stage coach. ......... Wells Far GoghAunt who was a good dancer. ............. Tan Gogh