Flashlight Jokes

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as
he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He
hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to more...

There was a Mississippi redneck and a Louisiana Cajun, fishing on their respective sides of the Mississippi river.
Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the Cajun was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"
"Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.
The Cajun replied, "Hain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

There was a Blond and a Brunette on an airplane. All of a sudden the engine blew and they started to crash! There was only one parachute and a flashlight. The Brunette grabbed the parachute and the flashlight and said to the blond, "Ok, This is a magic flashlight, I will shine it on the ground and you can slide down the beam of light! Then I will follow you with the parachute." The blond looked at her sceptically and said, "Do you think I am that dumb? I know when I am halfway down you're gonna turn it off!"

Customer: "Is this tea I'm drinking? It tastes like kerosene!"
Waitress: "It must be hon, our coffee tastes like turpentine."
A contributor on here sent me chapter one of a joke book she's planning to publish, and asked me what she should get for it.
I wrote back, "At least 6 months."
The boy had been sitting in the restaurant for 20 minutes while his date continued to stare at the menu. "Jody, do you always have such difficulty in making up your mind?"
"Well... yes and no." she replied.
"I'm telling ya Marge, there's nothing like a five mile jog, then, an ice cold shower to start your day off in the morning."
Marge looked at her obviously overweight friend and replied, "How long have you been doing this?"
"I start tomorrow!" she answered.
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if more...