Tick Jokes

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

T-Shirt Sayings for Women Who Take No Crap
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
Of course I don't look busy. .. I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
Guys have feelings too. But like. .. who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: six minutes.
I hate everybody and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is. ..?
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss more...

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go' tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes' tick... tick... tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die!

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3, 000, 000 has a chance of becoming human.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice! !

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.

It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own more...