Stan Jokes

Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny noticed that their seamonkey people had evolved and built their own city by adding semen.
So Stan, Kyle, and Cartman went out to get more semen. When Cartman comes back he has a bucket full of semen.
"Wow, Fatass, how the fuck did you get so much semen?" asked Stan
"Oh, i went to the sperm bank and bought all their semen" said Cartman.
"Oh yeah, there was this one guy, he was so stupid, i got semen from him for free, all i had to do was close my eyes, bend down, and suck it out of a hose!"

Stosh and Stan were recently laid off when they decided to rob a bank. They planned for weeks so that everything would go smoothly when the heist took place. Stosh's job was to crack open the safe and detain the manager and Stan's job was to grab the money from the safe and the teller windows.
When the robbery took place, Stan gathered up all the money from the tellers but when he got to the safe, it was all tied up and the manager had a strange look on his face.
"STOSH!" Stan cried out. "I said BLOW THE SAFE and TIE UP THE MANAGER."
(For those of non-Polish descent, Stosh and Stan are well known "old world" Polish names)

Determination
Talking the boss out of firing you. (Ken Pinkham)
Anthrax
The thorax of a certain colonial insect (Gary Hallock)
Contract
Follow the prisoner (Phil Hudson)
Advice
Pick up a new bad habit (Jay Christie)
Tangent
man who has been in the sun. (Lexicon)
Catacomb
An implement for grooming felines. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Disbelief
How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is. (Jay Christie)
Political
Scratching your parrot under his wing to make him laugh uncontrolably. (Stan Kegel)
Jaywalking
Exercise that brings on that run–down feeling (Robert Meyers)
Taxi driver
someone who earns a living by driving customers away. (Lexicon)
Catatonic
Your feline's favorite drink (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Console
Fileted fish served in prison. (Keith Martin)
Forfeit
What most animals stand on (Jay Christie)
Digress
Tinted artificial turf. (J. A. more...

Stan: I won 92 goldfish. Fred: Where are you going to keep them? Stan: In the bathroomFred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath? Stan: Blindfold them!

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby." Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother." And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?" Stan said nothing. The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!""Well congratulations, you're holding him!"