Haven Jokes / Recent Jokes
"I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single?"
A little boy is waiting for his mum to come out of the changing room in a department store and gets a bit bored so decides to have a look around.
When she comes out of the changing room she finds him with his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE," she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW WOMEN HAVE GOT TEETH DOWN THERE."
The little boy snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.
So all his life this poor lad grows up thinking that women have got teeth down below.
When he reaches 16 he gets himself a girlfriend. One night her parents go out so she invites him round. After a few hours of snogging on the sofa she asks him if he want's to go a bit further. "What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" and points to her privates.
"Good god no!" He cries, "You've got teeth down there."
"No I haven't."
"Yes you have; more...
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO WHEN:
Getting a really great parking spot can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.
A man walks on BART in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.
You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute person who is holding a city map, looking puzzled.
Each time you drive under an underpass, for one moment you think' earthquake.'
Your co-worker tells you s/he has eight body piercings - none are visible.
You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.
The woman who delivers your mail is straight, and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.
Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call.' Do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?'
You think anyone more...
Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while."
The Senior Exec replied "Haven't you heard? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky."
"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not haven written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OK!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those migrane headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dorm and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but more...
Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.
Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was "on point" now.
The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.
Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his more...
This story about me but when I'm 5 years old, now I'm 12 years old!
'Dad.. dad.. I want a big cake for my birthday!' I screeched out of the window as my dad got in to the car!' I'm sorry honey, I haven't got any money left! I think your mom would make a big cake for you!' my dad replied.' Oh... Oh... OK! Then, mom... Mom... Can you make a cake for me please? Please...' I pleaded at my mom.' No! My darling, Oh! I'm so sorry that I couldn't! I couldn't even come to your birthday party, because I'm really busy on that day, I maen tomorrow!' my mom was really hesitated.' Fine, butmom... Never mind!' I gulped. I was really sad and soon as my dad arrived, I went to my dad and said Dad will you take me to KFC? Please...' I said.' Right away! Dress up mt sweet little girl I'm really hungry! Let's go and buy lots of foods! We can bring some to mom as well.' My dad was really happy to go to KFC but when I told him that I want a cake he said that he haven't got any money!' Uhh... Dad are more...