Haven Jokes / Recent Jokes

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.
Be nice to more...

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.The more...

My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles away.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said more...

My wife said to me, "Frank, it's about time that you learned to play golf - You know, golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."
So, I went to see Red Miller and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls, haven't you?"

I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find."

"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow." he said, "And we will tee off."

"What's tea off?" I asked.

He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

"Not at a bar somewhere?"
"No, no," he said. "A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger."

"Yeah, I've got one of those."

"Well," he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of more...

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the more...

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the more...

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy more...