Health Jokes / Recent Jokes
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
At the Gym
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6: 00 a. m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. more...
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is."Kenneth.""And what is your question, Kenneth?""I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those
things you took when you left the White House?"Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is."Larry.""And what is your question?""I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? more...
Health plans are like hospital gowns...You only think you're covered.
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS Government Department of Fish and "WildLife" Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or more...
The nurse rushed into the doctor's office.
"Dr. Campbell!" she yelled, "you just gave Mr. Brewer a clean bill of health and... and he dropped dead right outside the door!"
The doctor jumped to his feet. "Quick, Nurse Susan," he said, "we have to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in!"