Hearing Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt
unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk at the counter.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2. 00 to $2, 000."
"Let's see the $2. 00 model," he said.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick thisbutton in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2. 00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. more...

This joke was told to me this past weekend by Estil Vance, who probably
heard it from someone at Johns Hopkins Medical School.
A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down.
He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well,
the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist
thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began
to lead him back to the house.
Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer,
"Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked,
"Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the
horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in
a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me
oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and more...

A man comes in from work one day to find his newlywed wife sitting, looking very troubled.
“Whatever is the matter darling? ” he asks
“Oh dear, I don’t know how you are going to take this. ” she says, “but, well, you know how we have just got used to hearing two pairs of feet in this house. ”
“Ye-es. ” says her husband
“Well, what if I told you we could soon be hearing three pairs of feet? Would that make you happy? ”
The man jumps up delighted, “Oh of course my darling, of course! Oh this is wonderful news, so soon after our wedding too! ”
“Oh I am so glad” she exclaims and pecks him on the nose, “And so will mother be, when she hears you don’t mind her coming to stay with us! ”

I guess this means Andy Rooney has better hearing than most dogs.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price.""No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third more...

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work more...