Heart Jokes / Recent Jokes

"I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win"
"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart"
"I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well"
"I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"
"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"
"I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town"
"You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out"

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.

You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.'' God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says. God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''

Merck, the drug company that made Vioxx, is getting a new trial. A judge ruled that the $50 million awarded to a man who had a heart attack after taking Vioxx was "grossly excessive."
Merck's former CEO, Ray Gilmartin, who made $37 million plus stock options in that same year, agreed with the verdict, saying, "The guy who suffered a heart attack shouldn't make more than the guy who caused it."

Three guys are travelling across the country. Their car breaks down in
the middle of nowhere, so they get out and start walking. They come
across this farm, so they go up, knock on the door, and the farmer comes
to the door and they explain their predicament to him. The farmer says
he will drive them into town tomorrow, but they will have to wait until
the morning, because everything in town is closed at this late hour.
The farmer then offers them food, and lets them sleep in the garage.
Before they go to sleep, the farmer comes out and tells them, "My daughter
is a nymphomaniac. If I hear any one of you even thinking about f*cking her,
I will blow your brains out." The farmer then leaves and goes to bed.
About 2:00am one of the guys wakes up. The temptation is too great for him.
He goes into the house and walks slowly up the stairs. About half way up
the stairs, he hits a loose board. "CREAK!!!" Immediately the more...

You stole my heart. But that's okay; I have another one at home in the fridge.

Two sisters are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st sister: "I froze to death."
2nd sister: "How horrible!"
1st sister: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
2nd sister: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."
1st Sister: "So what happened? Tell me."
2nd sister: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack more...