Heart Jokes / Recent Jokes
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. “Excuse me, ” he said. “Have you lost something? ” “No, ” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone. ”
Q: I'm 65 years old. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. .. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
When a blonde man arrived home from work early, he heard strange noises coming from the bedroom.
Rushing upstairs, he found his wife laying on the bed naked, panting and sweating. "What's wrong, honey?" he asked.
"I think I'm having a heart attack," she cried.
He ran downstairs, grabbed the phone and just as he was beginning to dial, his four year old son ran up to him and exclaimed, "Daddy! Uncle Ted is upstairs hiding in your closet and he has no clothes on!"
The man dropped the phoned, stormed back upstairs, ran right past his screaming wife and pulled the closet door open.
Just as his son had said, there was his brother cowering in the corner, totally naked.
"You lousy bastard!" screamed the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
COUNSELOR: What's the problem, you look depressed?
GUY: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
COUNSELOR: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
GUY: Sure, I love to drink.
COUNSELOR: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
GUY: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
COUNSELOR: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest more...
My 71 year old father just had open heart surgery after experiencing a heart attack. After the surgery, the doctor told him that he couldn't have sex for 3 months.
My dad asked, "Do the last two months count?"
It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and more...
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."