Heart Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
“I do have three hearts, ” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100, 000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150, 000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500, 000. ”
“Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life! ”
“Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used. ”
Two men were out in the woods hunting.
Suddenly, one of them clasped his chest, suffering from a heart attack.
Instantly, his friend whipped out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. When the operator came on, she heard a frantic voice say that his friend had just had a heart attack and died. Calmly, she replied that he should make sure that his friend was really dead. He said ok and asked her to hold. A few moments later, the operator heard a gunshot, followed by the man coming back on, confirming the death and asked what he had to do next.
1. Blady war on our boarder, Sons of Bengal bheel crush these hoarders. All join CRP and Army, Bugger Chinese must flee.
2. Recruiting offishsars taking names, Whife say Bholanath don't be shamed, Put your name on top of the least, Phor phree clothing and phresh pheesh.
3. To the depoh all are sent, Banerjees, Choudhurys all did went, Debs, Deys, Duttas and Das, Shaking posterior with big arse.
4. Guptos, Ghosh, Guhas and Mondols, Looking like many dhobi bundles, Mookherjees, Chatterjees, Mazumdars and Mitters, Grinding tooths for hurt (heart) is bitter.
5. Shum-one is shouting tarn to right, Phor medical exam and eyeshight. Doctor is telling undress phull, But I am feeling blady phool.
6. Doctor putting tape around chest, Breathe in and out and dam the rest. Myself feeling bhery sai (shy), Doctor is pheeling near thigh.
7. Now for khaki clothing go, I am rushing but dhuti tore. Pushing, heaving, jostling and banging, But I pheel something is more...
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p. m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.
"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus..."
Three men went hunting in a dense forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle, and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We gotta get Elmer to da hospital quick or he's gonna die."
"How 'er we gonna carry 'em?" Stan asked. "Why Elmer, he weighs a good two hunnert pounds."
"Hell Stan! That ain't nuttin'," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigge 'n 'at, all da time. We kin do it da same way." Walt was right.
In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door, and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it." Walt said, "Yeah, I thought dat gunshot hit 'em in da heart."
"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went more...
The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag...
"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says,' bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob.
He yells at Bob, "Bob, damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!