Heart Jokes / Recent Jokes

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she`s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn`t recognize you."

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"The little girl stayed silent.Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"Again, the little girl was silent.Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?""Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart.Barney's on my underpants."

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curios. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. more...

One day poor old Lena decided she didn't want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart...but she didn't know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.
The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.
Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.
"I should be dead!" she wailed.
"Don't worry, lady," the orderly answered, "your knee will mend before you know it!"

Here are some important management lessons that many of us have had to learn the hard way...
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of more...

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

Tax time is on the way, which is why this one is coming your way
This 50 year old man was in the hospital awaiting news about the availability of a heart for his transplant, when he was offered the heart of a 28 year old marathon runner who just died in an accident. He turned that heart down.
The next day, he was offered a heart from a 35 year old construction worker, who fell to his death. He did not accept that heart either.
Several days later he agreed to take the heart of a 50 year old IRS (Internal Revenue Service) auditor and the surgery was performed. (NOTE; for those not in the U.S., the IRS is the Tax Collecting agency).
After the man awoke, they asked him why he turned down two perfectly good hearts to select the one he did. His reply was, "I wanted one that had never been used".