Heart Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex.... you'll love it!"Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if more...
Teacher: Jimmy If Your Father Earned 80 Thousand A Week And Gave Half To Your Mother What Would She Have? Student: Heart Attack.
He's so mean that....
1. If you kicked him in the heart, you'd break your toe.
2. He'd steal a dead fly from a blind spider.
3. He's deaf, and never told his barber.
4. You couldn't warm up to him if you were cremated together.
5. He sends get-well cards to hypochondriacs.
6. He'd cry over your wounds so he could get salt in them.
7. He has as much use for anyone living as an undertaker.
8. He applied for a job as a prison warden so he could put tacks in the electric chair.
9. The only thing he'll share with you willingly is a communicable disease.
10. He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him on the bus can only read half the headline.
11. He has a testimonial plaque from Kenneth Starr.
12. He dreamed that he died and the heat woke him up.
13. He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as
canaries.
14. He'd throw a drowning man both ends of the rope.
15. He knifes you in the back, and more...
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart.
Barney's on my underpants."