Heaven Jokes / Recent Jokes

Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.

When nuns are admitted to heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
'And so,' says Saint Peter, 'have you ever had any contact with a man's penis?'
'Well,' said the first nun in line, 'I did see one once.'
'OK,' says Saint Peter, 'rinse your eyes in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.'
The next nun admits that, 'Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.'
'0K,' says Saint Peter, rinse your hand in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.'
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut to the front of the queue.
'Well now, what's going on here?' says Saint Peter.
'Well, Your Excellency,' says the nun, who is trying to improve her position in line, 'if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I more...

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk!
Q: Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?
A: When they came over to this country, they had "To NY" stamped on their foreheads.
A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The Saudi replies, "Excuse me, what's a 'shortage'?" The Russian replies, "Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean replies, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?" Finally, the American replies, "What's 'Excuse me?'"
Q: What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard?
A: A ride on lawn-mower.
Why the British more...

One mahatma, a famous saint, died -- must have been someone like Muktananda. One of his supporters died the next day. When the disciple reached heaven, the first thing that he was interested in was, "Where is our guru, our Muktananda? He must be enjoying -- he must have been given all the joys that only heaven can provide."
And then suddenly he saw Muktananda underneath a beautiful tree... with whom, do you know? -- with Sophia Loren! Sophia Loren sitting in his lap, both naked, hugging each other! The disciple fell at the feet of Muktananda.
He said, "Guru Deva, O grand Master, I always knew that you were the greatest master; now I am seeing with my own eyes. God is so happy with you, he has given you Sophia Loren as a reward!"
Muktananda looked very angrily at the gentleman and said, "You fool, stop talking nonsense! You don't understand a thing. She is not my prize I am her punishment!"

Satan tells them "Whoever can do the most horrible deed can go up to Heaven. But you must drink from this fountain to get back on Earth." So the first guy drinks from the fountain, goes to Earth and kills somebody. He comes back and tells Satan. The second man drinks from the fountain, goes to Earth and robs an orphanage. He goes back to Satan and tells him what he's done. Finally, Satan points to the third man and says "You may go to Heaven." The first man and the second man are both outraged. "How could you get any worse than what we did?" "Easy" said the third man, "I pissed in the fountain."

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.' Bob is that you?' Earl asked.

'Of course it me,' Bob replied.

'This is unbelievable!' Earl exclaimed.' So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?'

'Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?'

'Tell me the good news first.'' Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.'

'Oh, that is wonderful! So what more...