Hell Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young criminal dies in a road accident and instead of going to heaven ends up at the gates of Hell to be met by the Devil himself.' Welcome' says the Devil. The young thug is thinking to himself' this is not what I expected'.

Instead of the fire and brimstone and the gates of Hades all there was was a long corridor going off into the distance with heavy wooden doors bolted on both sides. The Devil says' You now have to choose the punishment that will be yours for all eternity to pay for your sins whilst on earth. Pick the room behind one of these doors and forever be damned!'

The Devil opens the first door to a scene that almost makes the young man sick. Tied to the wall is a man groaning in agony, there is a great hole where his stomach should be, his entrails are slowly being pulled out on to the floor by a group of evil looking dwarves.' Torture for all eternity, no thanks' thinks the young man and he signals the Devil to open another door further down the more...

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," cried the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Once there he meets Satan.
Satan: Well, Bill since you were such an important person on the earth, you get the choose how you spend your miserable eternity here
Bill: Well what are my choices?
They walk down a hot, steamy hallway and Satan open a door. Inside the room is Bill Gates hanging by chains from the ceiling in a vat of fire.
His eternal suffering is to burn and burn and burn.
Bill: Wow! I don't think I like that one very much. What else is there?
Satan closes the door and leads the ex-President to the next. Inside that door Ross Perot is on a rack, eternally being torn to pieces, his flesh tearing and tearing over and over again.
Bill: Ouch! Nope. I'm not real pleased with that one either
Satan: OK. Maybe You;ll like this one over here.
The Lord of Hell opens a third door on the other side of the hall.
Within they see Kenneth Starr chained to a wall. He is naked and receiving oral sex from Monika more...

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA: Dear Santa: Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya,' Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up more...

A little girl was walking along a beach in California whenshe came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspapercovering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?" The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep. Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain." Where the hell am I?" A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergencyhelp, so we rushed you right over." "Well, what the hell happened to me?" "We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happeningto you today?" The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me justbefore I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happenedto that nice man you saw here earlier?" "Well," the more...