Hello Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever Million dollars if you get it right. .. but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........
A - Robin, B - Sparrow, C - Cuckoo, D - Thrush.
"Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.
Barbara: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn."
(ringing)
Carol (also a blonde): more...
One day Lenny bragged to his friend Vinny that he was personally acquainted with some of the most famous people in the world.
"I'm a good friend of Steven Spielberg's," bragged Lenny.
"Prove it," said Vinny. "Let's see you call him on the phone."
A few minutes later Lenny was at a pay phone dialing a number. After a moment, Lenny handed the phone to Vinny as a voice on the other end said, "Hello, this is Steven Spielberg."
"That was a trick," said Vinny. "Next you're gonna tell me you know the Queen of England."
Once again, Lenny dialed a number and gave the phone to Vinny. "Hello, the Queen of England speaking!"
"I still don't believe you," said Vinny.
That night the President of the United States came to town to give a speech. Lenny and Vinny arrived early to get a seat, but the moment the President was introduced, Lenny more...
This guy comes home from work and when he walks into his bedroom, he finds his wife in bed with 3 other men that he works with. He says "hello hello hello"And the wife says "what, aren't you talking to me!"
"Hello?" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?" "I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn." the male voice whispered. "Scheesch! You're good." she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hello's?"
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous: International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
Narrator's voice:) "There Richard sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you more...
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when. Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, more...