Herd Jokes / Recent Jokes
What is the difference between en elephant and a plum? An elephant is grey. What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?" Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates theweaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a more...
Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice? Because he was a dirty double crosser! What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer! What has two legs and flies? A pig! What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? A cow that can milk itself! Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'? Because he kept running out of the pen! What do you get from an Alaskan cow? Cold cream! What game do cows play at parties? Moosical chairs! Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle? Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make! Why was the lamb told off for being rude? He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!
Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She also went out and bought a new convertible.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.
Go ahead and pick out the more...
A Cowboy`s Guide to Life1. Don`t squat with your spurs on.2. Don`t interfere with something that ain`t bothering you none.3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.4. Always drink upstream from the herd.5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don`t be surprised if they learn their lesson.7. If you`re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it`s still back there.8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.9. If you get to thinking you`re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else`s dog around.10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
1. Don't squat with your spurs on. 2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none. 3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. 4. Always drink upstream from the herd. 5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions. 6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. 7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there. 8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. 9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. 10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.