Hey Jokes / Recent Jokes

Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter"Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized! "Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason." Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some more...

THE CANDYWRAPPER
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey
standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue
when I
whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to
Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately
went
down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't
help but
grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
Twix had
the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as
my
Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream
"Oh
Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I
knew it
wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her
a
taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
"hey
Chicklet, more...

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh..... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Rats! There go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, the guy's got two of' em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, more...

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room.

When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
The dad answered, "Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"
The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom.
As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?"
Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."
The Dad asked, more...

I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub. I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there. Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit. This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man. Look, don't go to a mind reader go to a palmist I know you've got a palm. Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT! I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter? We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone. Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you? I'd like to break the monotony where's your weakest point? The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor? I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank! You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter. You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times more...

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House, Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse. The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care, for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there. As Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed, dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy's head. And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed, had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed. When out in the garden came a plethora of noise, all drunken and rowdy:' twas Newt and the boys! Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,"It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow, gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below. When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear, but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer. With a big House leader, all lively and fat: He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT! As viscous as vipers, the Republicans came, and Bill recognized them and called more...

1 Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V. D. Clinic." 2 Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" 3 Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." 4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you." 5 Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." 6 Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator." 7 Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?" more...