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Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
When I’m a little old lady, then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy. To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door. I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I’ll hang my head. I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away ….. the time to be spent doing chores every day. I’ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they’re busy I won’t leave them alone. Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer … and never pick up what I drop on the floor. Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish. I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more. When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye. I’ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then. . when they buy new ones, more...
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm more...
A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of more...
There were two vampires in Transylvania talking about how bored they were with the local cuisine. Another vampire told them they should take a trip to Italy. He told them that the food was fabulous and if you catch the people right after they've eaten, you can actually taste the wonderful Italian food in their blood.
The vampires head off to Italy and hide under a bridge, right down the road from an Italian restaurant. Pretty soon they hear a couple walking across the bridge. They swoop up, attack them, drain all their blood and toss the bodies over the bridge into the river. They couldn't believe how wonderful it was... they'd never tasted such delicacy. They decided to hide under the bridge and wait for more.
Soon enough, another couple came out of the restaurant and crossed the bridge. The vampires swooped up, drained all their blood and dumped the bodies into the river below. Not quite sated, they decided to wait for one more couple... dessert you more...
What's gray and comes in packets?
Instant elephant.
What's gray and comes in buckets?
An elephant.
What's gray and has a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.
How do elephants hide in cherry trees?
They paint their toe-nails red.
How do elephants get down from cherry trees?
Sit on a leaf and wait for fall.
How do elephants hide in custard?
Paint the soles of their feet yellow and hide upside down.
Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is more...