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A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says, "I`m not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back." The Australian goes first, and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says, "I will take it as it comes, I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly "Stiff upper lip you know eh what." His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. "Now Wee Hughie, it`s your turn, you have the same choice as the other two, what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, more...
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red? So he could hide in the cherry tree! What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia! What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days? One is a weak one and the other one week! What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep? Trunkquilizers! Why are elephants grey? So you can tell them from flamingos! Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?" Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!" Why do elephants scratch themselves? Because they're the only ones who know where they itch! How does an elephant get down from a tree? He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn! Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours? Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box! How do you know that peanuts are fattening? Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
Why did the elephant paint his toenils red? I dont know why?
Because he whated to hide in a strawberry patch... Did you ever see an elephant in a strawberry patch? No. See how good they hide.
When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy. To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door. I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head. I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away. .... the time to be spent doing chores every day. I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone. Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer. .. and never pick up what I drop on the floor. Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish. I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more. When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye. I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then. . when they buy new ones, I'll take them again. I'll spill more...
How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes
SECRET more...