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A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."

The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite more...

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!
Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
A: So he could hide in the cherry tree!
Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: When your nose touches the ceiling!
Q: What do you call an elephant that flies?
A: A jumbo jet!
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!
Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!
Q: Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
A: Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!
Q: Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
A: Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
A: Time to fix the fence!
Q: Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
A: So that he more...

Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer? The cat kept fiddling with i.t.

When I’m a little old lady, then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I’ll hang my head.
I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away ….. the time to be spent doing chores every day.
I’ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they’re busy I won’t leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer … and never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I’ll take all their pencils and more...

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my more...

A draftee, fleeing the military base, was being chased by two military policemen. He ran into a convent courtyard where he saw a nun, seated on a bench under a tree, reading a book.
"Sister, help," he pleaded. "please hide me. The M.P.'s are chasing me and I don't want to be drafted.
"Quick," said the Sister, lifting her skirt, "hide under here."
A few moments later, the M.P.'s approached the Sister and asked if she had seen anyone. "No," she replied.
As soon as they left, she told the young man it was safe to come out. He thanked her and said, "You know Sister, for a nun, you have a darn nice pair of legs."
Grinning, she replied, "Had you reached up a little further, you would have found a nice set of balls too. I don't plan on being drafted either!"

Your mama lost the game of hide and seek. Only cos I spotted her, BEHIND MOUNT EVEREST!