Hilarious Jokes / Recent Jokes

For decades two statues, one male one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You`ve been such
exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I`m going to give you a special gift. I`m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,
in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I`ll shit on its head."

Here`s an essay on "The Cow" which was actually written a some student in the course of completing the "Indian Civil Services Examination". Calcutta`s Telegraph got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations and here it is...
The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadruped, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.
"His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermen and mankind generally.
"His motion is slow only because he is of latitudinous species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his more...

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."

The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer
- I can`t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- That uniform makes your butt look really big.
- Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Didn`t I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
- And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
- Hey, you must`ve been doin` about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good
job!
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
Police Officer.
- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- Bad Cop! No Donut!
- Gee, that gut sure doesn`t inspire confidence.
- Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend`s
night stand...
- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the
camcorder.
- Is it true that people become cops because they are too more...

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, `come fly the friendly skies`?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don`t leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, `Just do it`?"

And John answered, "Mom."

Three Pujaris (Priests), one from Gujarat, one from Kerala, and one from Bengal were discussing how they divided up the collection money from their temples between themselves and their religion.
First, Gujarati Pujari said, "I take my expenses- about 10 percent-and I give the rest to God." The Kerala Pujari said, "Well, I try to be fair. I divide it up equally, half for me and half for God." Finally, the Bangali Pujari said. "I keep all the money on the collection plate. Then I throw it up into the air, god takes what he wants and I keep the rest."