Hilarious Jokes / Recent Jokes
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Sheeda from
Chuk no -3, District Gujrat, Pakistan. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Sheeda," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"
"Right now," said Sheeda, after a moment `s calculation, "there is
myself, my cousin Basheera, my next door neighbor Karam Deen, and the entire kabaddi team from the village. That makes eight"
Bush paused. "I must tell you, Sheeda that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."
"BLOODY Hell " said Sheeda. "I `ll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Sheeda called again.
"Mr. Bush, it is Sheeda, I `m calling from Chuk no-3 more...
It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes. The new wife (progressive Indian woman), was being welcomed at the husband`s home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years." "What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law. "What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws); Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning! !! "And what are you here for Bahurani?" enquired the mother-in-law. "AS FOR ME, I`M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON! !!"
Hilarious Newspaper Headlines
(the best of 1999)
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect more...
1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
fool at the other.
2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage: It`s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
either".
6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
feminine water-power...
9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference more...
*Madam:*
I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen
your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on
you and hope you will take me nicely. I am a soiled son from inside
Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing
hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a
fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start
running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly.
I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am
always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get
on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not
drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. more...
A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma`am. My name`s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah`m from Dallas, Texas. Ah`m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah`m white from th` top of mah head to th` tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." Well, she didn`t know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name`s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah`m from Dallas, Texas. Ah`m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah`m white from th` top of mah head to th` tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d`ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O`Donnell. I`m from Dublin, Ireland. I`m 5-foot 6- inches tall, and I`m white from the top o` me head to the tip o` me toes, except for my rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told,"First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - more...