Holiday Jokes / Recent Jokes

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.

December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 Debug Windows' 98

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 more...

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the
aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you.
"You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on
the wrong bus!"

A traveller saw a very old man that was also seemingly very
happy. The traveller asked the old man, "You're so old, what's
your secret to staying so happy?"
The man replied, "Well, I smoke 6 packs a day as well as smoke a
pipe. I stay up till 5am every night partying and drinking until
I barf. And I'm on lots of drugs and medication."
"So how old ar you?"
The man replied, "25."

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. .. eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave more...

There were these two Canadians vacationing in Mississippi. On
the highway they pass a sign that says you are now entering
Cashinaflash. The two get into a fight about how to pronounce it
as they decide to stop for lunch.
They walk into a resteaunt and go up to the blond cashier and
say, "Before we order I want you to slowly pronounce the name of
this place." The blond leans over the counter and says,
"Buuurrr-guurrr Kiiiinnnggg."

1> For kicks, sticks roman candle in empty eye socket and chases kids around.

2> Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time he lights a fuse.

3> He wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale.

4> Offers 20% discount if Salman Rushdie attends your event.

5> Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from NASA!"

6> Theme of the fireworks display: "The Jihad Against the Beer Swilling Pigs Begins"

7> He finally shows up on July 6th smelling like a refinery.

8> Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message: "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb."

9> Asks if he should shoot off Quaker Puffed Rice or Oats when the 1812 Overture begins.

10> The punk he keeps trying to light has orange hair and a nose ring.

11> Wants to synchronize the 4th of July display to Jimmy Buffett's more...

An African princess got on a plane with a gay flight attendant.
The flight attendant was going around telling everyone, "Buckle
up your little seatbelts so we can get this BIG ENGINE going,
buckle up."
Annoyed, the princess says, "In my land I'm a princess so I
don't have to listen to your mouth."
Then the flight attendant replied, "In My Land I'm a QUEEN. So
Buckle Up BITCH."