Holiday Jokes / Recent Jokes
The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.
Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly
unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to
gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the
camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir,
is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system. No one goes to the
bathroom until the camp is set up."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let`s eat.
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and anolder gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showingthe glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had agood week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him arare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I wont take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said.
"Ive come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old more...
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching over $300. 00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $90. 00 per night. That leaves $210. 00 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. They treat you like a customer, not a patient and $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix more...
Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when the
blond guy turned to the other and said he needed to go to the
bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the
bushes. When he came back the other said, "That was fast."
"Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass
with."
The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a
dollar, and wipe your ass with it."
"O. K." he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes
back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his
hands and says, "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get
shit all over me, I've got 4 quarters stuck up my ass!"
POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemispheresummer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of thereligious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ofothers, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medicallyuncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, andwithout regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform andoperating system of the wishee. By accepting more...