Holiday Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. What is the biggest selling Christmas single of all time?
2. What was Scrooge’s first name?
3. What carol contains the line “O tidings of comfort and joy”?
4. Name the three reindeer whose names begin with a “D”?
5. In what city did Miracle on 34th Street take place?
6. In The Night Before Christmas, where were the stockings hung?
7. What color is the Grinch?
8. In the movie The Santa Clause, who starred as the substitute Santa
Claus?
9. What holiday drink contains sugar, milk, and eggs?
10. What popular bite-sized chocolate candy comes wrapped in red
and green foil at Christmas?
11. What one reindeer is never mentioned in “The Night Before
Christmas”?
12. Name the two reindeer whose name begins with a “C”?
13. What carol contains the word “Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la”?
14. What glittery bits of metal are hung on a Christmas tree?
15. What were Frosty’s last words?
16. more...

A man was on holiday in the depths of The Northern Territory where he tried to buy some Crocodile shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man. I'll go and kill my own croc."
To which the shopkeeper replied "By all means, just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same. So the man went out into the Bush and after a while saw two men with spears standing still in the water.
"They must be the two Marines," he thought. Just at that point he noticed a crocodile moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive as the croc came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the lad the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the croc up onto the beach where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw the croc onto its back Where-upon one exclaimed more...

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It
starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home. 2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. 3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf. 4. more...

ANN ARBOR, Michigan - Christian Silbereis, 17, wanted his Halloween costume to be educational. So he came to school dressed at a giant vagina. The costume was created by his mother, to wear at his school's Halloween fancy dress contest. School officials did not feel the pink cape decorated with wig hair, satin and lace was appropriate, however, and they suspended the student for the remainder of the week. Silbereis's mother warned him that the costume might make some people uncomfortable, but he still won first prize in the contest.

Silbereis defended his choice saying, "It's anatomically correct. It's just another body part - they teach us about it in school. I mean, what if I was wearing an elbow costume? That's part of the body. Would they suspend me then?" A petition is being passed around to students objecting his suspension. High School officials refuse to comment on the reason for the suspension.

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows' 95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December more...

In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing… then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out. PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you…

A. Jump out of bed shouting “Santa’s here! ”
B. Jump out of bed shouting “What the %&!@ was that?! ”
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: “On…”
A. “a gada da vida. ”
B. “top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese…”
C. “Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen! ”
3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn’t it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, stupid!
4: If a fat man in a more...

Osama Bin Laden, severly injured in an American attack, is in a US Army medical facility, when he asks the attending doctor, "Doc, when will I die?"
"Unsure of the exact time of death," his Western doctor says. "But you will die on an American holiday."
"How do you know it will be on an American holiday?" asks the terrorist.
"Oh," said the doctor, "Any day that you die will be an American holiday."