Holiday Jokes / Recent Jokes
Just in time for Christmas, Urban Outfitters has announced the release of a new Christmas bauble sure to get you into the holiday spirit...the handgun ornament.
Designed to bring back happy memories of those carefree drive-by shootings you used to love as a kid, the handgun ornament also serves as a reminder of all your relatives who can't be with you this holiday season due to parole violations.
Coming soon after Christmas: the annual NYPD ornament amnesty program.
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December more...
The Holiday Nightmare
(to the tune of "Santa Claus is comming to town.)
You better give up
On Christmas this year-
You haven't a chance
With relatives here-
Sam and Roz are coming to town.
They're bringing thier kids
To add to your fun-
They're staying ten days;
You thought it was one-
Sam and Roz are coming to town.
They'll monopolize your bathroom;
They'll destroy your sol-i-tude;
They will eat you out of house and
home,
Then complain about the food.
They're only one way
To save your No-el-
You give 'em your house;
You take a hotel-
Sam and Roz are comming to town.
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
The Holiday Season
(To the tune of "Deck The Halls")
'Tis the season to be greedy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Treat ourselves, forget the needy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Charging gifts with wild abandon!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Credit limits not withstandin'!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Sing we now the spendthrift's carol!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Buying presents by the barrel!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Throwing parties, being merry!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
'Till bills come in January!
Fa la la la la, La La La La!!!
December 1stTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols. .. feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 2ndTO: ALL EMPLOYEESIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your more...
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas