Holiday Jokes / Recent Jokes

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own
fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up.
One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a
business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on
her card: "Our deepest sympathy."
But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband
had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I
expected. Too bad you didn't come too."

Please circle the letter that best describes your response.
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I’m not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It’s not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I’ll be glad to finish
that for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I’m going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57. 95 for that and he’s playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don’t need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in more...

So my grandpa, who is 82 years old, went on holiday and he fell
asleep on the beach. When he woke up he was all red and aching
with sunburn.
He went to the doctors and told him of his ailment. "Okay," said
the doctor, "take this cream and rub it all over. Then swallow
these two Viagaga tablets and you will be alright." "But doctor,
I'm 82 years old. Why would I need Viagara tablets?" he asked.
"Well," replied the doctor, "it will keep the bed sheets off you
at night."

A young couple entered in a most embarrasing date contest and
won by a mile. Here is their stroy:
Two young people, Dave and Diane, were set up on a date to go
sking in the mountians. They were driving up the mountian side
and Diane had to use the washroom. "Can't you wait until we get
there?" Dave asked. Diane waited. A little while later, Diane
couldn't hold it any longer, "Either you pull over or I go in
your car!" Dave pulled the car over.
Diane got out and leaned against the fendor while taking a whiz.
When she was done, she was horrified to find her butt frozen to
the fendor. She sheepishly called Dave. To their disgust, they
agreed that the only way she could be freed was if Dave peed on
her butt to thaw it out. The embarrased couple's plan worked,
and after that date they never saw each other again.

On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the driver,
"Sonny boy, I think I'm going to fall asleep during this long bus ride.
Can you wake me up when we get to New York?" The Driver replied, "Sure
thing." But later he forgot all about the old lady and only when he went 3
hours past New york he remembered that he had to wake her up. He felt
really sorry for the old lady so he decided to go all the way back to New
York and wake up the old lady and pretend like nothing happend. Even when
all the other passengers disagreed the driver didn't change his mind.
Finally when they got to New York. He woke up the old lady and the old
lady got up, looked inside her bag, took out a pill and ate it. Then she
said, "Thank you sonny boy! I always forget to take my medication in
time!" and went back to sleep again.

A pilot was flying a 747 full of passengers as a voice cracked
over the radio.
It said, "This is Ground Control. Please divert your course 5
degrees east. Over."
The pilot was slightly confused and responded, "10-4, but why
should I divert my course?"
The voice answered, "Your plane and another 747 are about to
pass over a major city and we don't want any excess noise."
The pilot laughed and said, "I'm 31, 000 feet up. What kind of
noise could I cause?"
Ground Control answered, "Have you ever heard the sound that
colliding 747's make?"

During the winter of 1970-71 I worked as a janitor at a county courthouse in Upstate New York (it was Binghamton for those who care for the specifics). One of my tasks was to run the elevator - an old manual one with a lever to make it go up and down and not many safety features so you could stop it between floors for the fun of it.
Here is the sign I placed in that elevator during the holiday season:
"We wish you felicitations concomitant with your observance of the season and many propitious initions during the forthcoming twelvemonth."